I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
