Swine flu. Run for my life!
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
