woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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