alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
