last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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