I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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