she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
