i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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