I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
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Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
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I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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