someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
