Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
