Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
