4 words: hood of his car
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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