Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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