one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
