I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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