no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
