My brain says no but my pants say off.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
