you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
