Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
