Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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