Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
