I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
