i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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