I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
