Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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