She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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