i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
