I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I believe in your delicious
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
