You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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