He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
