BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
