Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize