Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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