dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
