How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
