The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
