He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
the raccoons are back...
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