3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
