my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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