i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
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There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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