I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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