I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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