I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
