Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
