You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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