I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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