biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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