he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
