foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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