Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
