never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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