I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
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