We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
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There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
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I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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