I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
