Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Randomize
