I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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