he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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