remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Enjoy the penises
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
